I sent a note to my oncologist the other day, asking him what I could expect for my life expectancy. He responded that it would be better to discuss this in person than via the written word. I don’t know if that is because he wants nothing in writing or the news is complicated. I know it’s more to do with the latter, causing me some angst. We have set Oct 17 for a video conf call.
What I do know is that I have been very fortunate. While I have been battling PC cancer now for eight years - it’s been more of a mind game than a physical one; at least, that is how I am looking at it. There has not been any time where I was debilitated for long periods precisely because of the disease. It seems that I have dealt with cancer each time it has reared its head through elevated PSA levels, which I believe has kept the physical ailments to a minimum. The physical ailments that I can associate with the disease have been primarily general fatigue, weakness, muscle loss, and increased weight. From my research, cancer cells can alter the body's metabolism, affecting energy production and utilization, leading to feelings of fatigue and weakness, which in terms leads to inactivity, which results in weight gain. I am now pushing 260 lbs. This bothers me a lot. I know that it is affecting other aspects of my health, such as my heart, high blood pressure, diabetes, and joints.
I understand that dealing with cancer has also led to emotional distress and mental fatigue, contributing to overall fatigue levels. It’s this latter point that has caused me the most difficulties.
As I did yesterday, I get overwhelmed when I try to take on projects around the house. Given that I am still recovering from my hip replacement and shouldn’t be doing anything besides my exercises, I have been attempting to do things. And when I do, I realize my limitations. I was not strong enough to carry or lift things, and I quickly fatigued after being active doing anything. I get overwhelmed because, as I look around the house, there are so many things that need to get done, and I know that I cannot do them. This upsets me, which causes me to get frustrated with myself for not being the guy I was, and the spiral begins. Despite my trying to control these feelings, they become too much.
This realization that I am not the guy I still think I am is depressing.
I get that as we age, we experience physical changes, such as a decrease in strength, flexibility, or mobility. Aches and pains become more prevalent. What I cannot decipher are these changes that I experience because of the cancer or that I am just getting old. Some may ask what the point is of trying to tease this out. Both are difficult to come to grips with; one is part of the process (aging), and the other is because I am dying. Just because you get old is not cause to think that you will die soon. There are things that you can do to help with the aging process. Having terminal cancer is totally different. The knowledge that you will pass quickly changes things. There is very little that I can do to alter the outcome, prolong it for months, or for however long that I can stand the treatments and balance this with my desired quality of life.
Fortunately, my cognitive skills are not declining (or so I think - haha), which keeps me positive and able to understand the importance of taking that step forward every morning. The other aspect that helps my positive outlook is that I can still dream and then plan out those dreams, such as my many travels. This, more than anything else, has been vital in keeping my positive spirit alive. Traveling is what I love; when I feel the most freedom, doing things in nature is where I feel most alive.
My daily goals are simple: maintain a positive attitude, engage in activities that bring me joy and purpose, and maintain a strong sense of self. I am so lucky that there are projects that I am involved in that keep me active and bring me happiness. My friends are so supportive and bring joy into my life every day.
Today is a good day, albeit one of reflection.
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